Connection. It’s what we all look for instinctively but many of us struggle with knowing how to do it well.
A few years ago I was invited to speak at a conference in Denver USA. I arrived on a fresh spring morning with clumps of snow sitting around the parking lot slowly leaking a melt that would go on for weeks.
As I walked into the building where the conference was being held, a lady sat on a chair near the back wall. The leader who had picked me up from the airport was busy explaining the lay out of the time and building to me.
My eyes roamed the room, and glanced on the seated lady. She locked her eyes on me and began to talk to me. I was halted, suddenly apprehended by her choice to be so vulnerable with me, someone she had not met before.
Within 5 minutes I was introduced to her life story which covered her ups and what seemed like all of her downs. The downs were heartbreaking, tragic, overwhelming, shocking.
Catching my breath and focus, I tried as best I could to graciously acknowledge and clumbsily communicate my care for her while my host quickly moved us on.
Perhaps like me, you’ve also had such a moment or few?
WE ARE MADE FOR CONNECTION
The human heart cries out for connection, for that space where we are seen, where we are heard, where we are accepted.
But how do we do that well? How do we connect with people and not freak them out or ourselves out, because we offered what we thought was connection but instead was a overwhelming waterfall of intimate life experiences?
When we grow into a new skill, it is common to swing from one extreme to another. In the skill of connection, we will do this as well. It is the normal process of learning how to do something new.
WHAT IS OVERSHARING?
One extreme attempt at connection is what is called oversharing. We all have done it and may well do it again in the future. Oversharing was what interpreted the tour my host was taking me on that day.
Dr Brené Brown defines oversharing as “a misuse of vulnerability, a “smash and grab” to get temporary energy, attention, or communicate our woundedness.” 1.
WHY DO WE OVERSHARE?
We overshare when we have unmet needs for intimacy, connection, and belonging, a reality for many when life experiences have not taught them that they are accepted, loved and approved of or given them healthy tools to connect well.
We overshare when feel like we need to make others see us, accept us and maybe then love us. But the sad reality of oversharing is that it results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.
In other words we freak people out with information about our story they were not ready for or asking for.
When we don’t know we are already accepted, already loved, already favored by God because He chose us, we will strive, perform and overshare for approval, belonging and acceptance.
In God’s Kingdom we start off accepted. We don’t have to labour, perform, get his attention so we can gain an identity, so that we might be accepted.
Romans 8 says “For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son.. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.” (8:29-30)
It is the earthquake of our lives when we encounter God and he says we don’t have to do a thing for Him and He will love us no less.
HOW CAN WE CONNECT WELL AND NOT OVERSHARE?
No matter how long we have known God, we will always hit moments in our journey when we will need to go back and be reminded again that He accepts us, He choose us, He loves us and nothing can separate us from being loved on.
Ask Him, invite Him again to show you how much you mean to Him. And as you enjoy that, deep dive into Romans 8. Let this chapter read you and fill you.
To Him you are everything!
Then as you consider sharing and connecting with people, ask yourself four simple questions:
- Why am I sharing this?
- What outcome am I hoping for?
- Does our relationship have the earned trust to hold the weight of this kind of topic or disclosure?
- Is this the right person, at the right time for this topic?
Remember, connection is not a math equation where 2+2=4. Connection is with humans on journey who are messy, confused, overwhelmed at times and imperfect. Keep trying. Keep working at the most valuable skill you will ever have, connection and you will succeed. After all you were made for connection.
Reference:
1.Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead: Brown,B (2012), New York, Penguin Random House
“Every church leader longs to lead a church that is healthy — not just spiritually, but emotionally too. Yet finding the time and space to look beneath the surface, to name what actually drives our behaviour, is rare. Helen Goatley’s <i>Living Courage</i> seminar gave our leadership team exactly that: space to sit honestly before God and examine where the lies of shame and fear had quietly taken root in our hearts. We came wanting to walk in courage. What we discovered is that true courage isn’t self-generated — it’s rooted in vulnerable, dependent connection with God. Helen helped us name the weeds of shame and fear for what they are, and gave us practical, Spirit-shaped tools for responding well when our emotions are triggered and risk presents itself.
This weekend was genuinely transformational for our leadership team. We’ve come away better equipped to cultivate a healthy culture in our church — one where people are free to flourish not only in spirit, but in soul and body as well. We can’t recommend Living Courage highly enough for any leadership team wanting to lead from a healthier, more courageous place.”
Rev M. McMahon | Vicar, St Matthews Anglican Church, Melbourne, Australia
“This training is one of the most significant marker moments in my life and leadership. This will empower our culture to much more effectiveness and will change how people experience us and what we do here.”
R.THORPE | Senior Leader, Youth With A Mission, Canberra, Australia
“Unpacking the ideas in this course is dynamite! As a result of this course I have made a life decision to come out of my little hidy corner and face up to vulnerability courageously. To not give into fear anymore. This has been tremendously insightful for me. It was a treat indeed! Extremely amazing, insightful, encouraging and so gentle Helen’s teaching. His presence plus food for the soul and mind. Thank you Helen.”
L. POWER | Teacher, Australia